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Y'all Queda: The Musical Edit

Written in real time as events unfolded, Y'all Queda: The Musical spanned six of the epic threads. Complete libretto below:

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Y'all Queda: The Musical

Chorus: 2012: The Hammond Trial

Judge Hogan: We are here to pass sentence on Steve and Dwight Hammond, two men guilty of nothing more than arson on federal land.

That land belongs to the people, It's our right to occupy her! And as patriotic Americans, It's their right to set it on fire.

According to the law, they must serve five years, but I say that is downright unconstitutional! So I sentence you both to serve one day and one year, any more than that would be cruel and unusual.

Judge Aiken: You've got no authority to cut their sentence short, It's a mandatory minimum. You can appeal to the state supreme court, But your case? There's no chance of winnin' 'em.

You'll serve five years for the lands that you've burned. Now return to prison. Court is adjourned.

Chorus: January 2016. The Bundy ranch.

Ammon Bundy: This time the Kenyan Muslim usurper's gone too far! Enforcing the law? Well, that's the final straw! It's time for us to form a well-regulated militia 'n Pack up your pick up with guns and ammunition!

We're going to Oregon to fight for Hammond's freedom  We'll occupy the land until the government has freed 'em. If they want to fight back, we're ready for revolution! We'll fight to the death for what we think is in the constitution!

Hammond's lawyer: Uh, thanks for your support, but they're not seeking vengeance. They don't want a stand-off, they just want to serve their sentence.

Ammon Bundy: It's too late to back down, I'll never break my promise! There's no turning back now, revolution is upon us!

Chorus: From all over the country, the militants they came To fight for their rights in the Hammond's name. They took the Malheur Wildlife Refuge by force, armed to the teeth and ready to stay the course.

One hundred fifty strong, the armed force was mounting, or maybe just a dozen, but eh - who's counting?

Ammon Bundy: Our numbers may be small, but soon our ranks will grow When the people hear our call, We'll overturn the status quo

We will weather their attacks until they admit defeat But it might be a while, so grab some snacks... Wait... did nobody bring anything to eat?

Chorus: In their rush to war, to keep the element of surprise, the militants maybe didn't put enough though into supplies. So they issued out a call to all of their supporters: "Please get on Amazon and start placing orders."

The people on the internet heard the call to help equipping, and they started sending supplies with free two day shipping. But the militia should have been a bit more careful with they wished for... Soon the packages began arriving at their door.

Ammon Bundy: Another box of dildos! Another box of dildos! We want food and supplies Not boxes of dildos!

This is a serious revolution, We're changing politics. So how are we supposed to win if our only tool is rubber dicks?

Stop joking around, you guys, you think you're funny? Our revolution's real, you guys, Stop wasting your money.

We are trying to win back your freedom, But without help from you we can't. Please send supplies - we need 'em, Not big barrels of lubricant?

Chorus: Tensions were growing as the days passed by, waiting for attacks they were sure were nigh. While they waited, the militia prepared their defenses, Digging ditches, knocking down cameras and fences.

Ammon: Listen up - the feds are gonna be here any minute, This here's a war, and we are gonna win it. Soon America will see that we are liberators, and start sending help instead of vibrators.

If you love your country, and want it to be great again, Come shake the yoke of tyranny just like we did with Great Britain!

Chorus: Sure enough, some people came from far and near Though the government's armed forces failed to appear.

Ammon: The patriots are coming, with their brothers and their cousins! Our numbers here are growing - there are dozens of us - DOZENS! They've brought supplies, we are stocked with guns and food, and we've started burning dildos as firewood.

The government better back down - they know what's in store! If they try to strike us down, they'll start a civil war!

LaVoy Finicum: If they try to strike us down, I will personally finish 'em! I'm a mastermind of mayhem - my name's LaVoy Finicum! Obama, hurry up with your tyrannical attacks, we're messing up your property and native artifacts!

You say that that's a felony? My actions are a crime? Well, just try and stop me - I'll die before doing time. Come on and try it, chickens - come on, do your worst. Just you try to shoot me - I guarantee I'll shoot you first.  

Chorus: Despite all the taunting, the feds stayed back. Day after day, they refused to attack. The locals were sick of these militia guys about, But instead of going in, the feds wanted to wait them out.

Four weeks later, still nothing much had happened, just forty-odd people camping and trashing a cabin.

Ammon: The attack still isn't coming - we can have one night of rest. Let's go to that meeting in John Day - I'm their honored guest. So just relax a bit - everyone take five. Let's load up some cars, and go for a drive.

Cop: Pull over! Stop! This is the FBI! Step out slowly - no one has to die!

Ammon: Yes, sir - I'm coming out - nobody fire! This can end peacefully. I want my lawyer.

LaVoy: He's turning himself in? Well, there's just one thing for it. Pedal to the medal, you guys, let's floor it!

[LaVoy's car skids out towards a police officer, narrowly missing him. The car slides off into the snow. LaVoy steps out of the car with his hands raised]

LaVoy: I said I'd never go to jail, and I didn't lie! If you try to take me down, you're all gonna die! [LaVoy reaches into his pocket] Come on and try it, chickens - come on, do your worst. Just you try to shoot me - I guarantee I'll sh- [LaVoy is shot several times and dies]

[back at the wildlife refuge]

Sean Anderson: Listen up y'all, here's the deal: LaVoy is dead. Shit just got real. Now's the time to get out if you're not willing to fight. Those of us who stay probably won't survive the night.

Take the women and the children, the feds are on their way, and only by God's will might we live to fight another day. We're making our last stand tonight, and when all of us have died, America will see we're right, and come fight by our side.

Chorus: Hope was slim that any of the militia would survive, and that night their number shrank from 40 down to five.

Bundy's Lawer: Thanks for your support, but the time has come to end this. They don't want a stand-off, they just want to serve their sentence.

Sean: It's too late to back down, We will never break our promise! There's no turning back now, revolution is upon us!

Chorus: Through the night they waited, vigilant for the fight they knew was imminent, But the feds stayed off the property, refusing to attack them properly!

Sean: The time is now! This is war! What are those bastards waiting for? I'm sick of all of these nonstarters. Get in here and make us martyrs!

Feds: Sean Anderson, we've a warrant for your arrest Turn yourself in and we won't prosecute the rest

Sean: You think we'll believe the lies of the Fed? It's either all of us out, or all of us dead!

Feds: We aren't tyrants, you are not oppressed, this isn't war, you're just under arrest!

Sean: Why arrest us? We've committed no crime! Hillary Clinton is the one who should do time!

Feds: Why arrest you? Can't think of a reason? Maybe, I dunno, how about treason? Plus the destruction of this public land? Not to mention your crimes beforehand.

It's time to pack it in now, and put down your gun. Don't make the others pay for things that you've done.

Sean: You think we'll believe the lies of the Fed? It's either all of us out, or all of us dead!

Chorus: Both sides stood firm, with neither side movin', thinking by waiting, their point would be proven. Day in and day out, again and again, Each side waiting for the other's move to begin.

Sean: They think we'll crack? Well, they are mistaken. We're resolute, with no chance of breakin'! 'Cause we've got a secret: back up's on the way. Some retired navy seals are coming to save the day.

The fed doesn't know it, but they're gonna kowtow to the seals who are coming to save us right now! ... right now! ......They're coming right now! ...........Any day now... ................Is that them? No? How 'bout now? No? Oh, wait - they sent us something... another dildo.

[Meanwhile, in Portland...]

Bundy's Lawyer:

They judge says you're a flight risk and won't grant bail.

Ammon Bundy:

So there's no possible way to get me out of jail???


We could if the militia would just leave the refuge...

but we've tried that already, and they refuse.

Perhaps there's a way to put a bit of distance

in between you and what's left of the resistance?


But how? I'm the one that started it all.


We'd need to set someone else up for the fall.

The only way that I see you for us to clear your name

is deny your involvement. Find someone to blame.


Who's left to choose from?


Our pickings are slim...

how 'bout the IT guy? I say we blame him.




David Fry.


I say again: Who?


Skinny young guy, goatee, long hairdo...


Oh wait - that guy? Everybody hated him.

He got up in everyone's face and frustrated 'em...

And he's the one that's broadcasting online!

You think you can blame it all on him? Dude, that's fine.


Then it's settled - we throw Fry under the bus.

We don't condone his actions - he's not one of us!

He's tweeted his support for ISIS and nazis!

This whole time, HE's the one steering the plot, see?

You were only there to protest peacefully in silence.

David Fry was the one who advocated violence.

You are not affiliated with him or with his clan.

You're not a revolutionary - you're a peaceful man.

[The next day, back at the refuge] Sean: It looks like we're it - there's no one else coming. Don't people see what the law is becoming? This ain't America anymore. This ain't freedom. So where are our fellow countrymen when we need 'em?

That's it - I'm done. I'm ready to end 'er. If you won't press chargers, then I will surrender.

Feds: That's not gonna happen, you went too far. I mean, hell - you tried to incite civil war! But turn yourself in, and you keep your life. And you'll save all the others - including your wife.

Sean: All we're doing is camping, and enjoying the sun... Who is that hurting? I'll tell you: no one. We're not at war, and we're not battle-hardened... So tell me why can't we all just be pardoned?

Feds: You'll get your chance to plead your case in court, but to do that, surrender. Your time's running short.

Sean: Why do you feds continue to test us? We said we won't leave if you're gonna arrest us. I guess I have to repeat what I said: It's either all of us out, or all of us dead.

David Fry: I'm officially in up over my head. Is this the night that I end up dead? I came here to try to find a group to fit in with, but still I'm an outcast, hated... facin' death.

Why are people suddenly blaming this on me? Those pro-ISIS tweets were supposed to be funny. But at least my live broadcasts show the reality to the whole world that now seems to be mad at me.

These broadcasts may be the only way for my voice to be heard beyond today. In this fight, the net's my only power, So I can't stop streaming 'til they

Fry and Feds: Cut the cell tower.

Cliven Bundy: Both my boys arrested? They're giving up so soon? "I'll never back down," they said... Boy, they've changed their tune. I knew I shouldn't send boys to do men's jobs - they need real soldiers, not cosplaying slobs.

That militia needs real men to come in and lead 'em. I'll take the next flight out to Oregon to meet 'em. We can't cave in to this tyrannicalist oppression! And I wrote this letter that gives us legal possession.

Obama! We will turn your park into a shootin' gallery, Our militia will never back down, and here comes the cavalry!

Chorus: February 10th, 2016

David Fry: It's been ten days since they shut down our wifi. Without my livestream, I was sure that meant 'bye-bye.' But even though the FBI is right outside our door, they still haven't opened fire. What are they waiting for?

The four of us are waiting for the moment the hammer falls, but there is some good news: I can answer incoming calls. It's no live stream, but it's a connection to the outside, to people who can help us - to people on our side.

So while the government and media covers up our story, We've been in touch with a new ally: Nevada rep. Michele Fiore.

Michele Fiore: I'm on my way to meet you - it's a five hour drive. so until I get there, don't surrender, stay alive. I've spoken to the feds, they won't invade without warning, but if we don't make a deal, they'll kill you in the morning.

Sean: I've said it before, I'll say it again, we're prepared to die.

Michele: But if you live, your fight goes on - come on, you've got to try.

Chorus: For the next five hours they debated what to do, on a conference call (which one of the folks streamed online for all to view). I won't repeat everything they said - that's way too much to sing. Plus, to be honest, I got bored and didn't listen to the whole thing.

So here's the gist: In the end they reached agreement: they'd stand down in the A.M. While admitting no wrong-doing, they'd be arrested, avoiding mayhem. It wasn't the blaze of glory that they'd hoped would spark revolt, but maybe it'd be more effective to fight the good fight in the court.

The feds agreed to their proposal - they'd stay until the dawn, Then Fiore would escort them out, then this whole thing would be done. After more than a month of occupation, the militia would be disbanded. Unless Cliven Bundy got his way... and his plane just landed.

Cliven: Hold on, boys, don't surrender yet! The tables are about to turn! The feds thought they could get off that easy? Do they ever learn? I'll be there soon to take command, since my sons were unfit.

Feds: Cliven Bundy, you're under arrest.

Cliven: I, uh... huh... well, shit.

Chorus: The next morning...

Feds: Your time is up - put down your gun, and come out slowly, one by one.

Chorus: And out come Jeff Banta, then Sandy and Sean Anderson.

Feds: Alright now, the final guy: step out slowly, David Fry.

David: ...I can't. I've gone too far. The only way out is to die.

Feds: The deal is done, it's over - we will not shoot you dead.

David: If you won't, I'll do it myself. I've got a gun to my head. None of you understand what I've been going through. None of you understand why this is what I have to do.

I came all the way out here to find people to fit in with, but my only friend here was LaVoy, and you shot him to death. People hated me at home, and here I'm hated again. I'm hated on the internet - they call me "Dildo Ren."

If I surrender, I go to prison, where I'll be hated even more. I'll be beaten, shanked and raped there. I'd rather die in war. So I declare war against the government. Kill me if you must. I'll die to fight the system that is corrupted and unjust.

Until my grievances are addressed, I'm not giving up. The people need to know what their government is covering up: Aliens are real, you guys - I don't care if you think I'm crazy. People refusing to see the truth are ignorant and lazy.

My tax dollars go to bomb Syria and fund Planned Parenthood. Hillary Clinton's allowed to run free when she should be in prison for good. Radiation and chemical mutagens are destroying humanity, And yet people say I'M the crazy one? That's the insanity.

I'm so tired, and confused. My head's so full of thoughts. This bullet has my name on it, and I am not throwing away my shot.

Feds: Tell us what you want to come outside. Tell us what you need.

David: Can I get a pizza?

Feds: Sure.

David: And I want some weed.

Feds: Anything you want - step out and we'll give it to ya.

David: I'm only coming out if everyone says "Hallelujah."

Feds: Anything you want. Just take a step towards me. We'll all say 'Hallelujah,' on the count of three. 1... 2... 3...

Everyone: Hallelujah!

David: I'm coming out now.

Everyone: Hallelujah!

David: Give a shout now!

Everyone: Hallelujah!

David: This is what America's about now!

Everyone: Hallelujah!

David: I've finally got some klout now!

Everyone: Hallelujah!

David: Real change will come about now!

Everyone: Hallelujah!

David: I'll talk to you all from prison. Until then - peace out now.

Everyone: Hallelujah!

Chorus: And that's how the stand-off ended, 41 days after it began. The militia went to prison along with the Bundys and the Hammonds. Will these events spark the revolution? I sincerely doubt it. But if it happens, then you know... I'll write a musical about it.

The End... or is it?