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This is the archive.

General Institutional FuckeryEdit

  1. Why the Monday Night Massacre is a terrifying turn of events
    1. The Monday Night Massacre was no Sunday Night Massacre, which was an exquisite thing of beauty. But don't worry, Trump still has time to match that
  2. Bannon, Priebus meet with Australian ambassador to clean up Trump's mess ...probably made it worse
  3. For those keeping score at home, Donald Trump did 7 controversial things in his second week as president
  4. Trump team to rethink strategy of haphazardly stumbling around like idiots who can't find a light switch. Wait, they literally can't find the light switches in the White House and have been working in the dark? That explains quite a bit
  5. White House unhappy with SNL Spicer sketch. Trump doesn't like it when his people look weak, especially unhappy that Spicer was portrayed by a woman. Some female cast member really needs to dress up as Bannon
  6. Former Navy Admiral, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff under GWB, warns of consequences of Bannon serving on the National Security Council
  7. The fact that they can't spell, don't know history, have tempers, constantly lie, aren't very smart, and suck at tweeting will not deter the Trump Administration; 'We will find out strength in ignorance and our stupidity will propel us to greatness'
  8. Trump and his staff use their cell phone lights to work in the dark, ha ha. "Phones are portable television satellite trucks and, if compromised, can be used to get a great deal of information" *gulp*
  9. Secret service director announces retirement, in a move that has nothing to do with Trump's paranoia about White House leaks
  10. "A source close to the president, who was not there but had knowledge of the situation, told me that Trump was going around tables during dinner asking guests what he should do about Priebus and Spicer" Gee, wonder where these leaks keep coming from
  11. Why a scandal-laden White House let one of the more minor scandals leave
  12. A complete list of the Trump Administration scandals the press seems to have forgotten about and are not covering-largely because they are too busy chasing the NEW scandals the administration is generating on a daily basis
  13. Trump's White House is 'scared to death' and already hunkered down in 'survival mode': report
    1. Yes, there will be significant bumps in the road and some tough lumps to take as President Trump builds his team
  14. Trump administration when asked if anyone from the campaign had communicated with the Russians: FAKE NEWS FBI: Yeah, about that
  15. Trump "wrestles with a crush of crises". Why if only...wait a sec, IS THAT LINDA MCMAHON'S MUSIC? BAH GAWD KING
  16. Fifth-tier My Little Pony villain and exiled Lollipop Guild member Reince Priebus is struggling to bring the White House to order
  17. U.S.S. Trumptanic gets even "leaner" as six staffers are dismissed for failing FBI background check
  18. Trump usually makes his saving throw against scandal, but if you keep attacking with the same story you might get a hit
  19. Trump promised that no lobbyist would be involved in his presidential transition. Except, of course, for the dozen lobbyists who helped bankroll it
  20. Trump may not know the meaning of cronyism, but he's sure practicing it
  21. All of Washington is using an app called Confide, which allows deletion of messages after reading. Only problem is, it's not legal
  22. Media notices that Trump's revised travel ban is essentially the same as the last one. No, it is actually different, according to Priebus, Miller and other top aides, because it has a different font
  23. "Draining the swamp" apparently code for installing the wealthiest cabinet since the Hoover Administration in 1929 and we all know what followed that
  24. Trump's campaign website hacked because Trump is really on top of it. White House running like a smooth machine that only has some of its parts and no electricity
  25. You'd think Trump's cabinet picks wouldn't have to fight the White House in order to hire their own staff. You'd be wrong
  26. Good news everyone, professor of classics and history at Stanford University reports that electing Trump is the only way to reduce economic inequality in America
  27. In shocking news, Steve Bannon is personally undermining US foreign policy and going over the heads of the VP and Secretary of State to stir up shiat with our allies
  28. White House officials subscribing to that "definition of insanity" axiom hoping that Trump's speech to Congress won't be a rambling diatribe of insane racist street preacher thoughts, Prison Planet articles, and tin-pot dictator wet dreams
  29. President Trump and his cabinet are a bunch of criminal mercenaries. They include a master of disguise, a persuasive con man, a madman, and a gold-chain bedecked thug. And this is according to the comedic sidekick Mike Pence
  30. White House now calling out our intelligence services for providing the President with fake intel, and seeks alternate facts that are more in line with his world view
  31. With hundreds of administration jobs unfilled, Trump is tired of the whole thing, and just decides to leave them unfilled. That is some well-oiled machine you got there Donald
  32. Who is the current director of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office? That's not a memory test, it's a serious question: nobody knows whether the USPTO director is still in charge, and the Agency is refusing to say


"Advisors" and Other Assorted AppointmentsEdit

For the full mess, please visit the archive

  1. Nuclear weapons experts ask if Trump is getting his information from farking morons or is just farking stupid himself

Overzealous Staffer(s)Edit

  1. Michigan Republican offers solution of "Another Kent State" to resolve all those pesky students expressing their opinions

Open Position(s)Edit

  1. General
    1. 549 key positions in the administration need Senate confirmation. 14 have been filled. 20 await confirmation. 515 don't have nominees
  2. Communications Director
    1. For some reason The White House is having a really, really, really, really super duper hard difficult time hiring a new communications director
  3. Solicitor General
    1. The brave Republican warrior who Trump was considering for the job of arguing his cases to the Supreme Court has withdrawn his name from consideration because a rubberstamp Congress that would approve Satan is just too much to bear
  4. Deputy Secretary of State
    1. Tillerson, Kushner, and Preibus all endorsed Elliott Abrams, a conservative, highly respected expert on middle-east affairs, for State Department #2. Of course, Trump showed him the door after he learned that Elliott once spoke out against him
  5. National Security Council Deputy
    1. Swamp draining continues in Washington DC, as the Deputy National Security Adviser also resigns
  6. National Security Council, miscellaneous
    1. Trump NSC appointee fired for complaining that Bannon has taken control of all national security policy
    2. "I was a Muslim in Trump's White House. I lasted 8 days"
  7. National Security Advisor
    1. Russian lawmakers launch a spirited defense of Michael Flynn in a classic case of "you're not helping"
    2. Harward: Yeah, no thanks
    3. Forget about yesterday's presser, Donnie is launching a new dog and pony show with four - count 'em, four - equally untalented contestants. Don't miss the new season of NSA Apprentice
    4. Trump hoping Bannon picks his National Security Adviser soon because he's sick of the fake media asking him about it
  8. Director of Secret Service
    1. Secret service director announces retirement, in a move that has nothing to do with Trump's paranoia about White House leaks
  9. National Security Positions
    1. U.S.S. Trumptanic gets even "leaner" as six staffers are dismissed for failing FBI background check
  10. Aid to HUD Secretary
    1. Trump fires "uppity" aid to HUD secretary
  11. CIA operative
    1. "I didn't think I'd ever leave the CIA. But because of Trump, I quit"
      1. That "I quit the CIA because of Trump" guy that lit up the internets? Yep, big Clinton donor. WaPo has to admit it after the internets and even Wolf Blitzer looked it up
  12. Labor Secretary nominee
    1. Chris Christie turned down job as Labor Secretary, presumably as it sounded like too much work


ResignationsEdit

  1. Russian Ambassador to the White House resigns
  2. Swamp draining continues in Washington DC, as the Deputy National Security Adviser also resigns
  3. Secret service director announces retirement, in a move that has nothing to do with Trump's paranoia about White House leaks

Vladimir PutinEdit

Russian President

  1. Treasury Department eases economic sanctions against Russia
  2. Foreign policy insider: 'No readout of Trump-Putin call because White House turned off recording'
  3. Summer White House demands apology from Bill O'Reilly for calling the President a killer
    1. Pence says that Trump is watching Russia, likely waiting for his next orders to come in
  4. Putin: "So what you think of START treaty?" Trump: "Hold on." [to aide "Psst, what's the START treaty?"]
  5. Much like American politicians, Vladimir Putin is very good at passing himself off as a devout Christian
  6. Fake News confirms elements of Fake Dossier
  7. "Since January 20, we've assumed that the Kremlin has ears inside the SITROOM"
  8. Kremlin spokesman denies Michael Flynn discussed the lifting of sanctions with the Russian ambassador, because if you can't trust Russia, who can you trust?
  9. While National Security Adviser Flynn may be in the news for his close ties to the Kremlin, there are plenty of others in the Trump administration who support and admire Putin's defense of judeo-christian values
  10. Kremlin confirms their top agent will meet with Putin in July
  11. Russian Ambassador to the White House resigns
  12. A reminder: Trump did not fire Flynn, but he fired the woman who warned him Flynn was compromised
  13. Oh, nothing new with General Flynn, just the Army has been investigating whether Flynn received money from the Russian government during a trip he took to Moscow in 2015
  14. Russian lawmakers launch a spirited defense of Michael Flynn in a classic case of "you're not helping"
  15. Roses are red, violets are blue, if Flynn has ties to Russia, then Trump does too
  16. RT sends tweet congratulating Ambassador to Glorious Motherland a happy retirement
  17. As his lackeys in Washington come under increasing scrutiny, Vladimir Putin decides to secretly deploy cruise missiles in violation of treaty that ended Cold War
    1. "Missile treaty? What missile treaty?"
  18. The Kremlin worries Trump is too "unpredictable" for them to control
  19. Rep. Adam Schiff,the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee,told democrats in a private conference today that more information on Russia/Trump/Flynn ties will surface soon and "are only the beginning"
  20. Russian spy ship loiters 70 miles off US East Coast while listening to our rock and roll. Verify range to target, Vasily. One ping only
    1. Michael Flynn's replacement has arrived
  21. China admits Putin becomes master of judo in international politics
  22. Repeated contacts with Russian intelligence throughout the campaign, you say?
  23. Russia spokesperson kindly and subtly reminds Trump that it would be in his best interest to keep up his end of the deal so that no one ends up pissed
    1. Russia urges President Trump to keep campaign pledge to improve relations despite that whole Crimea being 'taken' by Putin thingy
  24. "To call this past weekend in the Trump administration a garbage fire would be a disservice to garbage fires, which at least shed light and get rid of garbage"
  25. Vladimir Putin eyes possible merger of CIA, FBI, NSA, folding them into the KGB. Goldman Sachs eyed as possible lead underwriter of the merger. NSC CEO Steve Bannon unavailable for comment
  26. The Kremlin ordered state media to cut way back on their fawning coverage of President Donald Trump, because it's making Putin look bad
  27. Mike Pence: We'll totes hold Russia accountable
  28. Russia denies NBC report that they are preparing a psychological dossier on President Trump, because, c'mon,OF COURSE they did a full work-up BEFORE launching Operation Elect the Cheeto, geesh
  29. White House to FBI: Hey, can you guys knock it off with the whole Trump-Russia talking thing? FBI to White House: LOL NOPE

Steve BannonEdit

White House chief strategist and Lumpy James May[1], Gentleman Fascist[2]

  1. Turns out, Steve Bannon is an Un-American piece of shiat. Perfect for sitting in on the National Security Council though
  2. Republicans fear alt-right white supremacist Steve Bannon also
  3. Twenty years ago, Trump's chief strategist Steve Bannon was running the $200 million Biosphere 2 in Arizona, thus setting the stage for Pauly Shore's greatest moment
  4. Well it's now inevitable that the US will soon go to war with China ...at least according to chief Trump strategist Steve Bannon
  5. Bannon, Priebus meet with Australian ambassador to clean up Trump's mess ...probably made it worse
  6. Supervillain Steve Bannon's fave book is called The Fourth Turning whose thesis is that the history of a people moves in cycles called saecula. At a cycle's end, there would be a cataclysmic event that destroys the old order & brings in a new one
  7. If Trump's first two weeks have seemed especially chaotic and aimless, it may be because his "Chief Strategist" is relying on some fortune cookie-level BS he read in a translation of a bronze-age book that he considers divine wisdom
  8. Apparently Donald Trump didn't know what he was signing when he appointed President Bannon to the NSC
  9. Former Navy Admiral, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff under GWB, warns of consequences of Bannon serving on the National Security Council
  10. If you thought Steven Bannon had achieved his aims in becoming a shadow President in the United States, you'd be wrong. It seems he also has his eyes set on the Vatican, and undermining Pope Francis
  11. Let's ramble through some of Steve Bannon's thoughts in 2015: "Here's Why There Ought To Be A Cap On Women Studying Science And Maths". Oh Lawd
  12. That's quite a photograph Rosie O'Donnell has on her Twitter profile
  13. Hey look at this article from two weeks ago about how Steve Bannon has been trying to usurp Gen. Michael Flynn's national security portfolio and bring the NSC under political control. I wonder if that's related to anything else in the news
  14. The President has full confidence in Sean Spicer. Not unlike how he had full confidence in Flynn just hours before he quit/got fired
  15. Reince Priebus and Stephen Bannon embrace one another tightly as the setting sun warms the room through the translucent white curtains. "We are one," Priebus whispers gently into Bannon's ear. He replies, "Yes, my precious, we are"
  16. Banish Bannon, that has a nice ring to it
  17. The Kremlin is concerned that their man in the Oval Office may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer. In fact,he may be a very dull butter knife who thinks he's a machete
  18. John Oliver: "Man, that Putin guy sure has a lot of good luck, doesn't he?"
  19. This is a test of the American legal system. Only a test, nothing to see here. Please move along
    1. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...to snipe a Ukranian oligarch out from under a US extradition request
  20. Looks like Bannon will soon be off the National Security Council that he snuck his way on to
  21. In shocking news, Steve Bannon is personally undermining US foreign policy and going over the heads of the VP and Secretary of State to stir up shiat with our allies
  22. President Bannon rails against the Je--- err.... "globalist"-controlled media
    1. Evil drunken troll says Trump's war on media will only get worse and it's all their fault because they should accept Trump's insane agenda that he thought up just last week while tweeting how Rosie O'Donnell is fat
  23. President Bannon admits his Cabinet nominees were selected to destroy their agencies . . . "If you look at these Cabinet nominees, they were selected for a reason, and that is deconstruction"
  24. Steve Bannon reveals the reason Trump's cabinet picks were designed to ensure they destroyed their own agencies

Ivanka TrumpEdit

"First" Lady

  1. One of Ivanka's first official activities as First Lady will be to attend a fancy dinner party featuring major employers
  2. Is what is expected of a First Lady outdated?
  3. Kellyanne Conway to Fox News viewers: "Go buy Ivanka's stuff," and yes, she actually said that
    1. 5 CFR 2635.702: § 2635.702 Use of public office for private gain. "An employee shall not use his public office ..for the endorsement of any product, service or enterprise, or for the private gain of friends, relatives"
    2. White House press secretary Sean Spicer says Conway was "counseled" for pushing Ivanka Trump products. Coming up next: White House press secretary Sean Spicer replaced by the ShamWow guy

Mike PenceEdit

"Vice" President

  1. After Pence sends out thanks to a white guy for Black History Month #PenceBlackHistory is born
  2. Pence says that Trump is watching Russia, likely waiting for his next orders to come in
  3. Mike Pence picks Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Edumacation
  4. It's becoming increasingly clear that Mike Pence is the Kenneth Lay of the Trump administration. Although it being the Trump administration, maybe the better comparison is Sergeant Schultz
  5. Mike Pence has gone to Europe on a reassurance tour. He'll shake hands and will let everyone know that Trump is actually just fine. Also, the nuclear football he has access to is the fake one so don't worry
  6. Mike Pence: We'll totes hold Russia accountable
  7. Pence is going rogue. MAYDAY. MAYDAY
  8. Mike Pence isn't against AIDS prevention. (Offer not valid for US Citizens)
  9. Pence makes surprise visit to Jewish cemetery. No word on why it was a surprise since the perp always returns to the scene of the crime
  10. Pence vows to take healthcare from as many people as possible, no matter how much liberals whine about people dying
  11. Mike Pence given CPAC's 'Courage Under Fire" award for the commitment to his principles over his faith which he showed campaigning with Donald Trump
  12. President Trump and his cabinet are a bunch of criminal mercenaries. They include a master of disguise, a persuasive con man, a madman, and a gold-chain bedecked thug. And this is according to the comedic sidekick Mike Pence
  13. Mike Pence promises to keep "our promises" with Jews, likely by allowing more neo-Nazis into the White House
  14. VP Pence wants the Jewish people to know that America will stand firmly with them and their country, Nicaragua
  15. Mike Pence to the Indiana Supreme Court: Can we just keep those emails secret? Kthxby

Shadow CabinetEdit

Jared KushnerEdit

Son-in-law

  1. Republicans fear alt-right white supremacist Steve Bannon also
  2. "A source close to the president, who was not there but had knowledge of the situation, told me that Trump was going around tables during dinner asking guests what he should do about Priebus and Spicer" Gee, wonder where these leaks keep coming from
  3. Nothing to see here, just a wealthy sleazeball selling a MLB team to the relative of another wealthy sleazeball in exchange for the title of "US Ambassador to France"
  4. Ana Navarro: "Little Jared complaining about me (to CNN's corporate owner) cuz I get under President Daddy-in-Law's skin? Oh, baby boy, I'm so sorry"
  5. Jared Kushner owns hundreds of Section 8 housing units. So of course he'll recuse himself from any decisions about HUD. No conflict of interest

Reince PriebusEdit

Chief of Staff

  1. Bannon, Priebus meet with Australian ambassador to clean up Trump's mess ...probably made it worse
  2. Reince Priebus may soon be Reince Goner from The White House
  3. Reince Priebus and Stephen Bannon embrace one another tightly as the setting sun warms the room through the translucent white curtains. "We are one," Priebus whispers gently into Bannon's ear. He replies, "Yes, my precious, we are"
  4. Fifth-tier My Little Pony villain and exiled Lollipop Guild member Reince Priebus is struggling to bring the White House to order
  5. WH chief of staff wants America to "Take seriously" Trump's threat to the Freedom of Speech
  6. Fifth-tier My Little Pony villain and outcast Keebler Elf Reince Priebus gets put on the spot by Chris Wallace over Trump's declaration the media is the enemy; "You don't get to tell us what to do"
  7. This time they've gone too far. Not like last time when we thought they had gone too far but still had further they could go... This time, surely, they have gone too far
  8. Yes

Jerry FalwellEdit

higher education reform task force

  1. Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. asked to head a White House task force on reforming higher education, because colleges need less regulation and more degrees in Jesusology]

Pat RobertsonEdit

Advisor to the President in hate-related matters

  1. Pat Robertson thinks those who oppose Trump are revolting against God, people like the Pope? Oh wait
  2. Demented hate muppet Pat Robertson says "God is working on behalf of Trump." When asked for comment, God was unavailable

Richard SpencerEdit

Whiteness Advisor

  1. White nationalist leader praises President Trump for "de-judification" of the Holocaust...which is quite ironic because "de-judification" is the very definition of the Holocaust
  2. CPAC Kicks out Richard Spencer, not because of his white supremacy views, or his glorification of fascism, but because he allowed himself to become an anti-conservative meme

Supreme Court Nominee Neil GorsuchEdit

  1. No matter what else he may believe, Gorsuch stands up for the rights of 13 year olds to burp in gym class
  2. Why Liberals Should Back Neil Gorsuch
  3. What replacing Scalia with Young Scalia means for the court
    1. Will Gorsuch be another Scalia when it comes to criminal law? A look at the many Scalia opinions favoring defendants, except those who got their doors busted in or were driving while black
  4. Liberals are whining that Gorsuch is an illegitimate candidate because Trump picked a Scalia clone to replace Scalia rather than a far leftist and make the court solidly left as opposed to balanced
  5. Supreme Court Justice nominee Neil Gorsuch was founder and president of 'Fascism Forever Club' at his elite high school
  6. Mama Gorsuch
    1. Remember that time when the SCOTUS-nominee's mother became the first cabinet official to be charged with contempt of Congress?
  7. SCOTUS-nominee Judge Gorsuch is disheartened by President Trump's "so-called" tweets about the judiciary. It's a bold strategy Cotton, let's see if it pays of for 'im
  8. Come for the "Biden Rule", stay for the "Ginsburg Standard"
  9. Have cancer or stuck out in the freezing cold? Trump's Supreme Court nominee reminds you to die faster to help your employer out

Sean SpicerEdit

White House Press Secretary

  1. Sean Spicer says Trump's treatment of reporters has been "above and beyond". Meaning just slightly above hostile and just beyond torture
  2. Sean Spicer said, Steve Bannon who? when asked about Bannon's recorded caveman Muslim comments
  3. Bullshiat Spice clears up Donald Trump's Frederick Douglass comments as only Bullshiat Spice can
  4. "Press Sec. Spicer spent a decent chunk of his briefing disputing reports that Hardiman and Gorsuch had been encouraged to come to Washington in a sort of 'Cannonball Run'-like competition to fill the vacant seat on the highest court in the country"
  5. Sean Spicer would like these jocular impressions of him to be dialed back. YOUR WORDS
    1. Spicer's daily briefing- blah blah blah. I'll never be able to look at that guy without seeing Melissa McCarthy now
    2. That's quite a photograph Rosie O'Donnell has on her Twitter profile
    3. Sean Spicer was once called Sean Sphincter in his school newspaper. Read his letter to the editor in response
  6. Sean Spicer is going to need some help coming up with terror attacks that the media hasn't reported. Let's lend a hand
  7. Stupid Spice: Trump is just reminding people that the Earth is a dangerous place. Galactus, Predator, and Borg attacks have risen 5000% since Obama took office
  8. Media and White House angrily disagree over whether Trump owns a bathrobe. If journalism isn't wholly dead yet, it's definitely written the note and reaching for the pills
  9. Now you, too, can request money from Sean Spicer
  10. White House frantically searching for a communications director to repla... Uh, "lighten the load" for Sean Spicer
  11. Sean Spicer: 'I can only hope that if Coretta Scott King was still with us,' I'd hope she'd support Jeff Sessions
  12. White House press secretary Spicer announces Nordstrom's decision to drop Ivanka Trump's fashion line is a direct attack on the President. Coming up next: USA declares war on Nordstrom
    1. Nordstrom stock jumps after Trump tantrum
  13. President Trump wanted to hire one of those blond Fox News chicks as press secretary because reasons, but Priebus pushed for Spicer because reasons. It's unclear if those reasons were similar
  14. Spicer has referred to a non-existent terror attack in Atlanta three times. This is what happens when you're staffed by the Breitbart comments section and not national security professionals
    1. Sean Sphincter claims he "clearly meant Orlando" after citing mystery Atlanta terrorist attack three times. Just like voters "clearly meant Hillary" but accidentally voted Trump
  15. For some reason The White House is having a really, really, really, really super duper hard difficult time hiring a new communications director
  16. White House press secretary Sean Spicer says Conway was "counseled" for pushing Ivanka Trump products. Coming up next: White House press secretary Sean Spicer replaced by the ShamWow guy
  17. Sean Sphincter thinks people should ignore the midnight tweety tweeter and just listen to him
  18. In a time long ago, in a world that looked a lot like our own, before we had a new president in The White House, the D.C. Press actually liked Sean Spicer. What changed?
  19. Bullshiat Spice denies Trump was confused by the START treaty
  20. Our future state media, ladies and gentlemen
  21. Like sands through the hourglass soap opera Spicer brings in higher ratings than actual soap operas. Does this mean Victor from The Young & Restless become the new press secretary? Will Trump's Twitter rage soon send him to General Hospital?
  22. Time to get extra spicy. White House press briefing is live at 1:00 PM EST
  23. Spicer: "The irony of this situation is that the President has been incredibly tough on Russia"
  24. Sean Spicer: President Trump has made it very clear that he expects the Russian government to return Crimea to Ukraine. Russian Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Maria Zakharova: "We don't return our territories. Crimea is a territory of the Russia"
  25. Sean Spicer calls Justin Trudeau, Joe Trudeau, then later calls him Justin Bieber, then calls him Joe Bieber. Sean OldSpicer might oughta see a doctor
  26. The President has full confidence in Sean Spicer. Not unlike how he had full confidence in Flynn just hours before he quit/got fired
  27. Will Melissa cry? Did the rally increase Spicer's spirits? Is this the Ft. Sumter moment as Trump takes aim on enemies of the state? Discuss
  28. While Trump gives half hearted condemnation of upsurge in Anti Semitism in America at African American Museum? B.S.Spice lashes out at Anne Frank Center saying that Trump condemns hate but "it's never good enough for them".That's the joke, I guess
  29. Spicer says town hall protesters are fake. The news is also fake. Anything not pro-Trump is fake. The Trump White House: chock filled with lunatics. Hey, stop being fake. Your opinion is fake. Fake
  30. Meet the NYC man behind Sean Spicer's desperately needed suit makeover
  31. In today's exercise in Trump administration humiliation, Spicer had to go out in front of millions of people and claim that "military operation" doesn't mean "military operation"
  32. Spicer suggests greater enforcement against recreational Marijuana. The spice must flow
  33. That time Sean Spicer said banning members of the press from briefings is what dictatorships do
  34. THAT'S GONNA HURT TOMORROW: Jake Tapper nails Sean Spicer's hypocrisy with epic Twitter burn
  35. Censor Spice gaggles and babbles with the press live at 1:30pm
  36. Sean Spicer personally arranged a phone call between top CIA and intelligence officials and two news organizations to try to counter the NY Times story about contact between Russian intelligence and the Trump campaign. Drip. Drip. Drip
  37. Sean Spicer will knot be de-turd

Mike DubkeEdit

Communications Director

  1. Apparently having lost an epic game of "not it", veteran Republican Strategist Mike Dubke is headed to the White House to fill the role of Communications Director

Kellyanne ConwayEdit

Counselor to the President

  1. KellyAnne Conway cites the infamous Bowling Green Massacre in defense of Trump's Muslim ban. And really, who could ever forget that tragic event?
    1. Bowling Green fundraiser set up to fleece the rubes
    2. Lich Queen Kellyanne Conway: "Bowling Green Massacre" was a mere slip of the tongue. WaPo: O RLY?
  2. Albino dementor Kellyanne Conway says she messed up when she said "massacre". What she actually meant was that time we accidentally let some terrorists in, then caught them before they did anything and fixed the immigration loopholes. Thank Obama
  3. I didn't want to be on TV this week because I want to spend time with my family. Well you asked to be on TV and we declined. So did we
  4. Kellyanne Conway says some terror attacks did get "wall-to-wall" coverage. Yeah, the ones that actually happened for example
  5. Conway on Trump's Silence on the Quebec attack: "He Doesn't Tweet About Everything"
  6. Kellyanne Conway contradicts President Trump by claiming CNN is not fake news. But she said that on CNN, which is fake news. So she can't have said it. We clear?
  7. Trump orders Lich Queen Vlaakith Kellyanne Conway to conduct Capitol Hill outreach. The effort lasted a few minutes until a congressional staffer asked Conway about Saturday Night Live
  8. Kellyanne Conway to Fox News viewers: "Go buy Ivanka's stuff," and yes, she actually said that
    1. 5 CFR 2635.702: § 2635.702 Use of public office for private gain. "An employee shall not use his public office ..for the endorsement of any product, service or enterprise, or for the private gain of friends, relatives"
    2. White House press secretary Sean Spicer says Conway was "counseled" for pushing Ivanka Trump products. Coming up next: White House press secretary Sean Spicer replaced by the ShamWow guy
    3. Kellyanne Conway is unrepentant over her illegal shilling of Ivanka's products
    4. Trump apologist goes on CNN, tries to say Kellyanne of Green Goebbels was joking about her plug of the first lady's fashion line
    5. "Kellyanne Conway must be punished." Doesn't that mean we have to find her phylactery first?
  9. Since she can't do politics worth a darn, Hillary turns to tweets. Conway with the easy slam
  10. Kellyanne of Green Goebbels says the SNL skit portraying her as a Fatal Attraction-esque stalker trying to get on the news with Jake Tapper is sexist, thanks her legion of supporter for backing her up
  11. Kellyanne Conway is playing a dangerous game: one where she might reach historic heights if she wins, but where if she loses, someone might destroy her phylactery and release her soul
  12. "'Gen. Flynn has the full confidence of the president,' White House counselor Kellyanne Conway told reporters." Which means he will soon be shot out of a cannon, into the sun
  13. Single-day trifecta for Trump Administration officials getting investigated now in play
  14. Kelly did you just tweet that you love a white nationalist? Kelly:"I don't know who had access to my account"
  15. Kellyanne Conway gets the white towel thrown into the ring from her boss, goes to her corner
  16. For one shining moment Twitter believed Kellyanne Conway had been booted from TV
  17. Lich Queen Kellyanne Conway sneaks onto the set of Hannity to tell Lump people have a "presumptive negativity" about everything Trump. Good thing he's not been giving people reasons to fear his presidency for the past year
  18. Kellyanne Conway explains that she's not a feminist because feminists hate men and are pro abortion. "I, on the other hand, love getting knocked up by men"
  19. Kellyanne Conway to angry town hall constituents: Solve your own problems, we're just in this for the grift
  20. Law professors file misconduct complaint against Kellyanne Conway in attempt to get her disbarred. Bonus: She's already suspended for non-payment of dues

Sarah Huckabee SandersEdit

White House deputy press secretary

  1. The last president to skip the White House Correspondents' Dinner only did so because he'd just been shot in the chest. And he still picked up the phone and called in
  2. White House condemns Kansas shooting as racist, adding "wink wink, nudge nudge"

Peter TheilEdit

Advisor to the President

  1. Peter Thiel, advisor to President Trump, said in his application for New Zealand citizenship filed in 2011 that New Zealand is "the future", presumably because they wouldn't be stupid enough to elect an insane reality show host to lead them
  2. Peter Thiel is Trump's shadow president in Silicon Valley

FoxEdit

Propaganda Ministry

  1. Al Sharpton: Let's not forget that Jesus was a refugee escaping persecution from King Herod. Fox News: Republican Jesus was only traveling because he was being forced to pay taxes...Al, do you even Bible, bro? lololol
  2. Those working in The Wall Street Journal newsroom are not too happy that their editor-in-chief has told them to go soft on Trump and not hurt his feelings
  3. Sean "Lumpy" Hannity is tired of the radical alt-left holding up President Trump's agenda. Did I say radical alt-left? I meant Republican congressmen
  4. At press conference between Trump and Japanese PM, only Rupert Murdoch-owned outlets were allowed to ask questions
  5. Big government tries to stifle the freedom of Fox News... wait... crony capitalism..... no, wait, Trump is President, how do you spin Fox News being fined for lying to shareholders as being the fault of evil liebruls?
  6. How TV influences Donald Trump's foreign policy. And that's fine, look I was raised on TV and I turned out TV
    1. OH great, Apparently our foreign policy is being "forged" by FOX News. We're now at war with Sweden, Mexico, and Australia
    2. Trump lives in a media bubble and it's causing chaos. "We now need someone to unplug the White House wi-fi and switch off his damn television"
    3. Donald Trump's aides are using special tactics to keep him off Twitter, starting with no tweeting within eight hours of watching anything on CNN
    4. Pres. Trump says media shouldn't be citing confidential sources. As proof, he references an unnamed news report
    5. Trump's tweets are very predictable - if you watch Fox News. It's where the President gets all his information. Certainly not books or smart people
  7. The organization you want to abuse on your talk show won't send anyone, do you C) hire an actor to pretend to be a member
    1. Bill O'Reilly finally issues correction over his fake Swedish security expert
  8. Trump just refused to give CNN, LA Times, NYT & Politico entry into the White House
  9. That's borked up

Fox Jr.(s)Edit

  1. Breitbart "News"
    1. Our future state media, ladies and gentlemen
    2. The members of the ownership group that purchased the United States in a hostile takeover this November have been revealed
    3. Breitbart, under the leadership of Stephen Bannon, purchased the trademark rights to the term "Big Gay Hate Machine"
  2. InfoWars
    1. Infowars has been subverted by the Reverse-Reverse Vampires in support of the Lizard People's Trumpist agenda
    2. Alex Jones scrubs all references to "Pizzagate" from InfoWars website, denies he ever believed it was a thing
  3. Gateway Pundit
    1. Assistant Dumbest Man on the Internet Lucian B. Wintrich granted White House press credentials
      1. Guy who arranged the Deploraball is now a White House correspondent
  4. James O'Keefe
    1. Invest in popcorn futures in 3, 2, 1
      1. Jame's O'keefe's latest "bombshell", the "CNN Leaks" project, is a couple of recordings with low-level staffers from 2009 where one called Rassmussen a bad pollster, another said climate change is "undeniable" and a third called Fox news "unbearable
  5. Chris Ruddy, CEO of Newsmax
    1. That day when Newsmax says it's time to tone it down a little

Michael FlynnEdit

National Security Adviser

  1. The plan to bomb Iran just kicked off
  2. Man, the Trump administration sure likes walls. First Mexico, now the National Security Council
  3. Trump's own staff is starting to worry about his disintegrating mental and emotional state. But her emails
  4. General Flynn learns the hard way that the NSA listens to all calls with Russian officials
  5. Mike Flynn, Security Risk
    1. [Act]
      details the fine and/or imprisonment of unauthorized citizens who negotiate with foreign governments having a dispute with the United States
  6. "Since January 20, we've assumed that the Kremlin has ears inside the SITROOM"
  7. Signs multiplying that Michael Flynn will be the first to be thrown under the Trump administration's short bus
  8. Kremlin spokesman denies Michael Flynn discussed the lifting of sanctions with the Russian ambassador, because if you can't trust Russia, who can you trust?
  9. While National Security Adviser Flynn may be in the news for his close ties to the Kremlin, there are plenty of others in the Trump administration who support and admire Putin's defense of judeo-christian values
  10. "'Gen. Flynn has the full confidence of the president,' White House counselor Kellyanne Conway told reporters." Which means he will soon be shot out of a cannon, into the sun

Michael Flynn (ret.)Edit

former National Security Adviser

  1. Russian Ambassador to the White House resigns
    1. Hey look at this article from two weeks ago about how Steve Bannon has been trying to usurp Gen. Michael Flynn's national security portfolio and bring the NSC under political control. I wonder if that's related to anything else in the news
    2. Roses are red, violets are blue, if Flynn has ties to Russia, then Trump does too
  2. A reminder: Trump did not fire Flynn, but he fired the woman who warned him Flynn was compromised
  3. Oh, nothing new with General Flynn, just the Army has been investigating whether Flynn received money from the Russian government during a trip he took to Moscow in 2015
  4. Russian lawmakers launch a spirited defense of Michael Flynn in a classic case of "you're not helping"
  5. RT sends tweet congratulating Ambassador to Glorious Motherland a happy retirement
  6. David Petreaus may replace Michael Flynn as security advisor. Thank God they got someone who is controversy free
  7. The hearings will begin any minute now
  8. Remember when Michael Flynn did all those Trump rallies talking about how Hillary thought she was above the law? Well, Hillary sure does. Mikey could be in the greybar hotel for the rest of his short and moronic days
  9. Rep. Adam Schiff,the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee,told democrats in a private conference today that more information on Russia/Trump/Flynn ties will surface soon and "are only the beginning"
  10. House Intelligence Committee Chairman (R-eprehensible) says his panel will not investigate Flynn's ties to Russia, but will investigate the leaks that led to his resignation
  11. Why a scandal-laden White House let one of the more minor scandals leave
  12. Rand Paul just comes out and admits that Republicans shouldn't be investigating Republicans
  13. John McCain has become the sole voice of reason in the GOP
  14. James Comey back in the hot seat after Flynnghazi
  15. Sen. Lindsey Graham: My, my, I do declare, contact between Trump campaign and Russian intel officials would be a game changer, you hear
  16. Do you think Donald Trump realizes Donald Trump fired Mike Flynn? Because it doesn't appear that Donald Trump knows this
  17. Look this Mike Flynn scandal is all just a big innocent misunderstanding: When General Flynn saw a note on his desk from Trump reading "VP is demanding you call the Russian Ambassador today" He just ASSUMED that meant Pence and not..you know
  18. Just because he was intimately involved in Trump's campaign and in close contact with two of the people being investigated by the FBI for their ties to Russia, doesn't mean Attorney General Sessions should recuse himself from the investigation
  19. Trump complains that Flynn would still be working for him if no one knew what Flynn had been up to
    1. Poor Donnie won't be able to do everything in deep dark secret and illegally. Getting away with stuff was so much easier as a private citizen
  20. Man, who wasn't listening in on Flynn's conversations with Russia?
  21. Flynn must face prison and Trump must face impeachment
  22. Say hello to Federal Prisoner 38379583, Michael Flynn, who lied to the FBI during an interview about the substance of his calls to Russia
    1. FBI decides not to pursue charges against Hillary Flynn
  23. Trump knew
  24. And the first GOP Congressman has hit the Trump-Putin International Hotel and Pleasure Palace
  25. Mike Pence: We'll totes hold Russia accountable
  26. Why Flynnghazi is so troubling
  27. How Trump is getting away with corruption
  28. Trump's private lawyer Michel Cohen, his Russian "fixer," convicted felon and mafia member Felix Sater, and an ally of Viktor Yanukovych, secretly worked out a "peace plan" this summer to lift sanctions on Russia and remove Ukraine's current leaders
    1. Cohen lied about not taking the Ukraine peace plan to the White House. "Says who?" "Says who?"


Alex JonesEdit

"journalist"

  1. International intelligence expert Alex Jones calls the Quebec mosque terror attack a "false flag, just like Sandy Hook"
  2. Suspect Sought in Bowling Green Massacre
  3. According to a former editor at Infowars, Alex Jones is a snake oil salesman. Obvious tag taken out in what was OBVIOUSLY a false flag operation conducted by those secret liberal Muslim aliens, so 'Murica
  4. America doesn't deserve Donald Trump says Alex Jones
  5. Infowars has been subverted by the Reverse-Reverse Vampires in support of the Lizard People's Trumpist agenda
  6. Unhinged conspiracy theorist and known crazy person Alex Jones says Obama is "plotting a Bolshevik revolution" against Trump
  7. Alex Jones accuses Homeland of trying to make him look crazy, forgets that we all have eyes
  8. "Just imagine info, then imagine someone at war with it. This is a man who knows what it sounds like when a monkey f*cks a football," Stephen Colbert says of Trump's advisor Alex Jones
  9. Alex Jones scrubs all references to "Pizzagate" from InfoWars website, denies he ever believed it was a thing
  10. You can never have too many supercuts of Alex Jones descending into abject anger and panic. And no, this is not a repeat

Andrew BrembergEdit

assistant to the President in charge of details; no homo

  1. Meet Donald Trump's details man. Wait, he has one?

Gina HaspelEdit

Deputy Director of the CIA

  1. "Trump taps first woman to CIA second in command." Uh, phrasing?

Vincent ViolaEdit

Secretary of the Army nominee

  1. On second thought...I'm outta here

Sebastian GorkaEdit

Deputy assistant to President

  1. Trump White House Official finally admits it. The only reason they are calling everything "fake news" is because most news stories do not present the dear leader in a flattering light
  2. When "Nazi collaborator" stops being a euphemism for White House advisors
  3. There...is...another...Bannon
  4. Trump advisor, forgetting that the First Amendment hasn't been repealed yet, threatens legal action against a man tweeting criticism of Trump

Climate Leadership CouncilEdit

Members include:

  • former Secretary of State James Baker III
  • former Secretary of State George Schultz
  • former Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson
  1. Top Republicans acknowledge climate change is real, and in order to fight it the EPA must be gutted

Gary CohnEdit

chief economic advisor

  1. Top Republicans acknowledge climate change is real, and in order to fight it the EPA must be gutted

Stephen A. FeinbergEdit

member, President's economic advisory council

  1. Billionaire friend of Trump with no intelligence experience to lead review of intelligence agencies. No word yet on whether dunking stools will be in use

Stephen MillerEdit

Assistant to the President

  1. White House adviser Stephen Miller: "We don't have judicial supremacy in this country." That is so true. Even our country's highest judicial court doesn't have the word "supreme" in its name
  2. Joe Scarborough goes unhinged after seeing Stephen Miller's Sunday Morning talk show performances, calling him a "horrendous embarrassment" who gave the "worst performance ever." Guess ol' Joe has finally hit his breaking point
    1. Why creepy Addams Family reject Stephen Miller should worry the hell out of non-fascist Americans
  3. Rising star in the Trump administration has carried a reputation for being an asshole since high school. Spent his years at Duke interning for Sessions while writing racist and sexist position papers. Christ, what an asshole
  4. How'd you like to make a thousand bucks the hard way?
  5. Key Trump aide Stephen Miller follows David Duke on Twitter. Bonus: And "likes" Duke's tweets. Double failtastic cross-burny bonus: As recently as Tuesday

Scott BaioEdit

Special Celebrity Advisor

  1. Scott Baio has $30K?

Omarosa ManigaultEdit

Minority outreach, Nixon Apprentice and #1 fangirl

  1. Omarosa apparently came from the Nixon school of thought before joining the Trump White House

National Security CouncilEdit

  1. Deputy
    1. Swamp draining continues in Washington DC, as the Deputy National Security Adviser also resigns
  2. Staff
    1. Trump administration National Security staff told to keep briefs brief and use lots of pretty pictures because our president is a nimrod
  3. Victoria Coates
    1. Trump appoints an art historian to the National Security Council because nobody told him those Dan Brown books were fiction

Strategic Initiatives GroupEdit

  • White House think tank created by Bannon and Kushner[3]
  • works on issues of foreign policy decisions and national strategy and security; possibly duplicating the work of the National Security Council[4]
  • members include Sebastian Gorka
  1. There...is...another...Bannon

H.R. McMasterEdit

National Security Advisor

  1. Trump nominates H.R. McMaster for NSA. No word if any other Sid and Marty Kroft characters will be added to the administration
    1. Trump's new National Security Adviser is everything Steve Bannon is not. Expect his resignation over a story involving Chinese hookers blowing a Muppet any day now
  2. The first reasonable-sounding thing emerging from the Trump Administration, ever
    1. Newly named NSC head McMaster wants Trump administration to drop the term "radical Islamic terrorism". Prefers "alt-faithful" instead

Paul ManafortEdit

former Trump campaign manager

  1. This is a test of the American legal system. Only a test, nothing to see here. Please move along
  2. Hacking data shows Paul Manafort was being blackmailed by Russia
  3. I'm starting to think this Manafort guy isn't trustworthy. Maybe somebody oughta take a look at him

Michael CohenEdit

President's personal lawyer

  1. Trump's private lawyer Michel Cohen, his Russian "fixer," convicted felon and mafia member Felix Sater, and an ally of Viktor Yanukovych, secretly worked out a "peace plan" this summer to lift sanctions on Russia and remove Ukraine's current leaders
    1. Cohen lied about not taking the Ukraine peace plan to the White House. "Says who?" "Says who?"
    2. The Kremlin disavows the "peace plan" worked out by a Ukrainian lawmaker, Trump's Mob-connected "adviser" Felix Sater, and private lawyer Michael Cohen. Offers condolences to the lawmaker's family on his impending demise
    3. This is a test of the American legal system. Only a test, nothing to see here. Please move along
    4. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...to snipe a Ukranian oligarch out from under a US extradition request


Wayne LaPierreEdit

Executive Grand Dragon of NRA

  1. Just a reminder that neither Trump, or even Steve Bannon holds the title of "most unhinged conservative leader" That "honor" belongs to NRA chief Wayne LaPierre as his one-man performance of "Dr Strangelove" at CPAC just reminded us

Kevin HassettEdit

cheif economist

  1. Trump has chosen his top economist - the guy who wrote Dow 36000

Ken BlackwellEdit

domestic policy chair, transition team

  1. Trump transition official: Executive Order allowing you the freedom to discriminate based on your religious beliefs against LGBT is coming, because you can't be American unless you piss on someone else. #MAGA


Cabinet, Secretaries, Assorted Agencies and Department HeadsEdit

For the full mess, please visit the archive

GeneralEdit

  1. Trump administration is an empty shell as opposed to an empty suit
  2. President Bannon admits his Cabinet nominees were selected to destroy their agencies . . . "If you look at these Cabinet nominees, they were selected for a reason, and that is deconstruction"
  3. The two defining characteristics of the new right: 1. Hatred for everything different. 2. Indifference of corruption by their own leaders

NomineesEdit

  1. Puzder, Labor Nominee
    1. Labor Department Employees: "Hey, ya know, maybe the guy we have repeatedly fined and who refers to his own employees as 'the worst of the worst' isn't the best pick for Labor Secretary"
    2. Trump's nominee for Secretary of Labor admits to employing illegal immigrants
    3. The genius behind "Suicide Squad" confirmed by the Senate and now fifth in line for the presidency. Brought to you by Carl's Jr
    4. Senate Republicans ask Trump to withdraw his Puzder, it's not that kind of party
    5. Precedent pulls Puzder
    6. Trump's former labor secretary nominee says his candidacy was destroyed by "a tsunami of fake news" which is apparently what we are calling "a videotape of your wife on the Oprah Winfrey show talking about how you beat the shiat out of her" now
  2. DeVos, Education Secretary Nominee
    1. Someone is paying random internet users to lobby for Betsy DeVos's confirmation. It's almost as if someone has some financial interest in destroying our public education system, or something
    2. Mike Pence picks Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Edumacation
  3. Palin, Ambassador to Canada Nominee Threat
    1. Proving that even Canadians have their limits, news that Sarah Palin might be appointed Ambassador sparks impolite reactions
  4. Carson, HUD Nominee
    1. Ben Carson wakes up from eight year nap, says he's ready to work and do whatever it is Trump wants him to do
  5. McMahon, SBA Nominee
    1. Linda McMahon wins the undisputed Small Business Administration belt
  6. Verma, Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) administrator Nominee
    1. Seema Verma--which sounds like a forgotten Tolkien character but is really a health care lobbyist--is Trump's pick to oversee Medicare and Medicaid, both of which she has said "fosters dependency"
  7. Pruitt, Environmental Protection Agency Nominee
    1. But his emails
    2. Scott Pruitt confirmed as head of Environmental Destruction Agency
  8. Bilden for Secretary of the Navy
    1. Trump's Navy secretary nominee on the verge of withdrawing. Back up choice? The sailor from The Village People
      1. Trump's pick for Navy Secretary withdraws. I guess he didn't feel like (sunglasses) going down with the ship.....YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH
  9. Ross for Secretary of Commerce
    1. Must be a day ending in "y." It has been revealed there is another Trump cabinet member connection to Russia
    2. Wwwwilllllbuurrrrrrr, you are now the commerce secretary


Department of Homeland SecurityEdit

  1. Looks like the Dept of Homeland Security will be getting some angry tweets tonight
    1. Dept. of Homeland Security finds Trump's travel ban pointless, says we need to stay focused on the real threats like nail clippers at airports
    2. Trump finds Dept. of Homeland Security report on travel ban pointless, says it failed to include data supporting the ban. "This is not the intelligence assessment the President asked for"

Director of the Department of Homeland SecurityEdit

  1. DHS Secretary says border wall should be finished in two years. Stop laughing, he's serious. Really
  2. Trump declares the immigration roundup efforts a "military operation". No word if it comes with new, matching uniforms for ICE officials
    1. In today's exercise in Trump administration humiliation, Spicer had to go out in front of millions of people and claim that "military operation" doesn't mean "military operation"
    2. Homeland Security chief John Kelly wonders why the press brings up questions about military force being used in immigration operations. This might be a crazy thought, but maybe they keep asking because the President of the U.S. said exactly that
  3. DHS chief promises softer stance on the second Muslim Ban

State DepartmentEdit

  1. Tillerson, Kushner, and Preibus all endorsed Elliott Abrams, a conservative, highly respected expert on middle-east affairs, for State Department #2. Of course, Trump showed him the door after he learned that Elliott once spoke out against him
  2. Apparently all you need to do in order to be Ambassador to Austria is be a superfan of "The Sound of Music"
  3. State Department? We don't need no stinking State Department
  4. State Department memo regarding leaks, quickly leaked

Secretary of StateEdit

  1. The new secretary of state - a former Exxon CEO - admits climate change is real but it's not our problem
  2. Tillerson forced to stay at sanatorium with old people in wheelchairs, 30 minutes away from other G20 attendees, because nobody booked him and his entourage a room early enough. Meets with Lavrov, then quickly has press removed from room
  3. That fear of Rex Tillerson being Secretary of State may be unfounded, as he's already been pushed to the margins by the Trumperdome
  4. Rex Tillerson demoted from Big Oil captain of industry to Mexican Government Piñata Biatch. Let's see if anyone notices

Secretary of DefenseEdit

  1. US to Best Korea: Yeah, using a nuke on us would be a really bad idea
  2. Def. Sec. Mattis to meet NATO, try to convince them that Trump is only going to let Russia invade one or two of them
  3. Pentagon tells NATO allies, "You all are gonna pay"
  4. "There's very little doubt that Russia interfered with elections" says soon to be ex-Defense Secretary Mattis
  5. Rep. Seth Moulton: "General Mattis may resign because Trump is so farking insane"
  6. Mad Dog Mattis unexpectedly visits Iraq, says the US isn't there to steal its precious, precious oil

Department of DefenseEdit

  1. Department of Defense looking to rent space in Trump Tower, which, "could directly funnel government money into the president's business interests." Well, that sounds like it's totally not a conflict of interest
  2. Every man, woman and child in the US will be paying more. To rebuild the military. $169.33 per person, as a matter of fact. Feel safer yet?
    1. Trump: "If we rebuild our military, we don't even need a State department, it does nothing"

PentagonEdit

  1. Wait, I thought it was Obama who created ISIS
  2. Plans for what will surely end up a massive land war in the Middle East have been sent to the White House

EPAEdit

Environmental Protection Agency

  1. Top Republicans acknowledge climate change is real, and in order to fight it the EPA must be gutted
  2. EPA staff told to prepare for Trump's dickening, by which I mean "Executive Orders"

Director of the EPAEdit

  1. An EPA staffer (probably soon to be former) blasts Trump's new EPA boss Scott Pruitt's first speech as "condescending and hypocritical"
  2. B-b-but his emails? Open government group releases the first 1,500 of 7,500 pages of emails that they received under an Open Record Act lawsuit, that newly installed EPA chief Scott Pruitt sent during his days as Oklahoma's Attorney General
    1. Scott Pruitt's emails released yesterday raise serious concerns about his ties to the energy industry and how he worked to try block environmental regulations. Imagine how embarrassing it would be if the Senate had already voted to confirm him
  3. New EPA chief demonstrates gratitude, familiarity with insides of pockets
  4. Scott Pruitt lied under oath during his Senate confirmation hearing. About what? "Have you ever conducted business using your personal email accounts?"
  5. This is what America looked like before the EPA cleaned things up, and what we could be looking at again if Pruitt has his way

Attorney GeneralEdit

  1. Dear small-government, pro-10th Amendment conservatives: Your Attorney General hopes you've enjoyed the brief exercise in self-governance by States with medical and recreational marijuana. We now return you to your regularly scheduled war on drugs
  2. Just because he was intimately involved in Trump's campaign and in close contact with two of the people being investigated by the FBI for their ties to Russia, doesn't mean Attorney General Sessions should recuse himself from the investigation
  3. Former Keebler Elf and weekend Southern Dandy cosplayer AG Sessions girds his loins to do battle with Betsy DeVoucher over transgender protections in public schools
    1. Betsy DeVos is the voice of reason and compassion. I now need a hot shower and lots of booze after typing that
  4. Sure, it's massively unsafe and twice as expensive, but if we put these paid protesters into the normal prison system, they'd have civil rights and we just can't have that sort of thing
  5. Jeff Sessions thinks there are too many people in the labor force whose time would be better spent in prison
  6. Sessions: Smoking pot makes you extremely violent. Except for Colorado, that place is off limits. Attempt no landing there
    1. Hoping to prevent the liberal horde outside his door from burning him in effigy over his stance on health care, Rep. Tom Garret (R, VA-5th-of-booze) tries to give them something else to light up by introducing a bill to legalize marijuana
    2. Jeff Sessions envisions an America in which marijuana is sold at every corner grocery store. Hey, maybe this guy isn't so bad after all
  7. AG Sessions: Better to imprison the innocent than let the guilty go free

Department of JusticeEdit

  1. Big government tries to stifle the freedom of Fox News... wait... crony capitalism..... no, wait, Trump is President, how do you spin Fox News being fined for lying to shareholders as being the fault of evil liebruls?
  2. "Trump is urging the Justice Department to investigate his perceived opponents." A surprise only to an 80-year-old hermit opal miner in the Australian outback
  3. The orange jumpsuit industry poised for growth again
  4. Trump administration laying the ground work for 2020 victory

FBIEdit

Federal Bureau of Investigation

  1. FBI is so successful at fighting terrorism that their anti-terror units can take time off to harass pipeline protesters. Yay America
  2. The FBI is feeling a little left out on the whole "let's dump every damning thing we have on Trump" frenzy, releases 1970s housing discrimination documents
  3. Say hello to Federal Prisoner 38379583, Michael Flynn, who lied to the FBI during an interview about the substance of his calls to Russia
    1. FBI decides not to pursue charges against Hillary Flynn
  4. Three - Three FBI probes into Russian election hacking scandal. Ah, ah, ah
  5. White House to FBI: Hey, can you guys knock it off with the whole Trump-Russia talking thing? FBI to White House: LOL NOPE
  6. Waking up every morning like "Jesus Christ, what now?"
  7. Yes
  8. Looks like the FBI was planning to pay for Pee Dossier 2: The Pissining

Director of the FBIEdit

  1. James Comey back in the hot seat after Flynnghazi
  2. Late into a getaway Friday, James Comey was briefing senators on Russia. They will now all get a week in Sochi as part of the time share package
  3. Yes

Office of the Director of National IntelligenceEdit

  1. Office of DNI: "We didn't withhold intelligence from Trump." Yeah, pretty sure you're going to have to blame God for that one

FAAEdit

Federal Aviation Administration

  1. Trump adds the FAA to the list of regulatory agencies to be sold to the Brawndo Corporation

FCCEdit

Federal Communications Commission

  1. The Trump Administration doesn't want poor people to have inexpensive access to the internet
  2. Trump's FCC will stop limiting charges for inmate phone calls

Treasury DepartmentEdit

  1. Treasury Department eases economic sanctions against Russia
    1. "I'm going to lie to your face, then lie some more, then cover that with a lie but I'm for realsies telling the truth"
    2. White House says Russian sanctions being lifted is not really happening. Nothing to see here. Please move along

Secretary of the TreasuryEdit

  1. Munchkin promises tax reform will pass by August. Lollypop Guild could not be reached for comment

Secretary of EducationEdit

  1. Betsy DeVos asks Twitter a question "Day 1 on the job is done, but we're only getting started. Now where do I find the pencils?" Twitter responds with predictable answers
  2. Moments after being deterred from her agency's mission, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos says she will not be deterred from her agency's mission
  3. Seattle sandwich shop channels its future public school education to welcome Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education
  4. Yes, being a conservative billionaire is just like being a black girl taunted by racists in the 1950s
  5. After encounters with protestors, Betsy DeVos is given protection from the U.S. Marshals Service, Although most teachers say she would already know how to defend herself if she'd only worked a few months in a public school
  6. Former Keebler Elf and weekend Southern Dandy cosplayer AG Sessions girds his loins to do battle with Betsy DeVoucher over transgender protections in public schools
    1. Betsy DeVos is the voice of reason and compassion. I now need a hot shower and lots of booze after typing that
  7. Secretary of Education Bel Biv DeVos says "separate but equal" was actually just a great prototype for school choice
    1. In response to her idiocy, Betsy DeVos stated "I meant that black people had to build their own schools because the old ones were destroyed in the war of 1812 when the Egyptians battled the Romans over how much tea Vikings threw in the harbor

Department of EducationEdit

  1. Betsy Devos Department of Education tweets a quote from "W.E.B. DeBois", and gets the reaction they deserve
  2. After misspelling "W.E.B. DeBois" in a tweet, U.S. Department of Education apologizes, misspelling "apology"

Ambassador to FranceEdit

  1. Nothing to see here, just a wealthy sleazeball selling a MLB team to the relative of another wealthy sleazeball in exchange for the title of "US Ambassador to France"

U.S. Ambassador to the United NationsEdit

  1. Nikki Haley latest federal diplomat to have to walk behind Trump picking up his turds

Acting Director of ICEEdit

  1. A meeting between lawmakers and the acting director of ICE took an interesting turn when several Hispanic Democrats were "asked" to leave. It's almost as if certain people don't want them to know what's going on

Nuclear Regulatory CommissionEdit

  1. While most new federal regulations have been put on hold, the Nuclear Regulatory Commission is going ahead on their rules regulating "Tornado generated missiles" which, while I have NO IDEA what those are, I am glad SOMEONE is regulating

ICEEdit

Immigration and Customs Enforcement

  1. Here comes the "Deportation Force". Perhaps we could concentrate those rounded up into camps of some kind
  2. The undocumented immigrants rounded up by ICE recently include very few blind-orphan single moms working three jobs while learning astrophysics, and rather a lot of rapists, drug dealers and drunk drivers
  3. Just in case your faith in humanity hasn't been completely destroyed, there are now people pretending to be ICE agents in order to extort money from immigrants
  1. Trump declares the immigration roundup efforts a "military operation". No word if it comes with new, matching uniforms for ICE officials
  2. In an effort to show they're not being racist, ICE is now raiding Asian restaurants in Mississippi. German, Hungarian, and Italian restaurants seen closing early
  3. Trump and his supporters, winning the war on women awaiting brain surgery

Administrator of SBAEdit

  1. Were 46 percent of the people in this photo (including the President of the United States) given the Stone Cold Stunner? (with animated GIFs)

CIAEdit

  1. Sean Spicer personally arranged a phone call between top CIA and intelligence officials and two news organizations to try to counter the NY Times story about contact between Russian intelligence and the Trump campaign. Drip. Drip. Drip

Director of the CIAEdit

  1. Newly appointed CIA director Pompeo denies reports that his agency is withholding information from Vladimir Putin

Housing and Urban DevelopmentEdit

  1. Jared Kushner owns hundreds of Section 8 housing units. So of course he'll recuse himself from any decisions about HUD. No conflict of interest

Director of the U.S. Patent and Trademark OfficeEdit

  1. Who is the current director of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office? That's not a memory test, it's a serious question: nobody knows whether the USPTO director is still in charge, and the Agency is refusing to say

Director of the Office of Management and BudgetEdit

  1. Trump's Budget Chief says Trump's proposed budget "sends a very powerful message". And that message, is, of course: We have absolutely no idea what we are doing



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