Drumpfster Fire Advisors & Agencies/Archive/2017/January 2017

This is the archive.

General Institutional Fuckery

1. Trump White House staff is using a private email server
   1. You might want to sit down for this one: Donald Trump's outrage over Hillary Clinton's email habits might not have been entirely sincere
   2. Forty-two percent of Trump voters ok with his use of private email server
2. Eleven things Trump is doing behind the scenes while everyone freaks out over his Twitter shiat-posts. Come for the rescinding of laws designed to make plane crashes less frequent, stay for the EPA saying the 6000-SUX is America's best car
3. Crazy grandpa still tweeting everything he sees on Fox News. Difficulty: He's President of the United States
4. Washington Post finds five examples of potential voter fraud. In Trump's inner circle
5. How Trump changed the presidency in seven days, the same amount of time it takes that creepy girl from the ring to emerge from your television and kill you
6. Like Melania, Monica Crowley, and Scott Pruitt, another member of Team Trump caught copying off of someone else's paper. This time it seems less plagiarism and more sloppy lawyering, which is totally fine for the Chief White House Counsel right?
7. All administrations encounter problems in first week, from Justice Roberts screwing up oath office with Obama, to Trump almost passing a 20% tax increase on Americans. Totally the same
8. You don't say
9. Misfires and crossed wires (farting in small enclosed space), and a satisfied smile
10. "Yesterday was the trial balloon for a coup d'état against the United States. It gave them useful information"
11. Given the daily liberal head explosions...one might think Trump demolished the Statue of Liberty, or worse, reintroduced school prayer, when all he did is take executive action on January 27 to protect Americans
12. Bush read My Pet Goat as the country was in chaos. Trump watched Finding Dory
13. Reince Priebus says Jews were not specifically mentioned in White House Holocaust statement because it was actually about "everyone's suffering". Because all lives matter, am I right?
    1. Facepalm: Trump camp claims a Jew wrote their Holocaust statement which never mentioned Jews. Facepalmier: A Russian Jew wrote the statement
    2. Inauguration Rabbi has some words for Trump's Holocaust mishegas
14. Remember yesterday when WH sources claimed that Capitol Hill Staffers wrote Trump's executive Order on immigration? Staffers claim they never saw the damn thing let alone worked on it. Popcorn and lawnchairs available to the right

"Advisors" and Other Assorted Appointments

Vladimir Putin

Russian President

1. Trumpy to receive his latest orders from Master Putin on Saturday
2. If you were wondering who the Russian source was for the Trump dossier, it looks like Putin was, too

Overzealous Staffer(s)

1. It turns out several soon-to-be fired Congressional and Senatorial staffers worked on drafts of the White House's immigration order- without bothering to give their bosses or senior leadership so much as a head's up
2. Remember yesterday when WH sources claimed that Capitol Hill Staffers wrote Trump's executive Order on immigration? Staffers claim they never saw the damn thing let alone worked on it. Popcorn and lawnchairs available to the right

Mike Pence

"Vice" President

1. It is not Donald Trump we should fear; it is the radical crusader Mike Pence, whose anti-LGBT beliefs and history of misogyny are highlighted by gross incompetence
2. Be careful of what you wish for Trump haters, possibly the next President of the United States will be speaking at the March for Life soon
   1. Apparently Mike Pence has nothing better to do than go clog up city streets on some sort of protest march today. Sad
   2. At the annual "March for Life" VP Mike Pence vows to marchers that he will "work with the Congress to end taxpayer funding of abortion"-which hasn't existed since 1993 when the Hyde Amendment was passed

Steve Bannon

White House chief strategist and Lumpy James May[1], Gentleman Fascist[2]

1. White House chief strategist Stephen Bannon lashes out at the media calling them "the opposition party" and says they should "keep their mouths shut"
   1. The real reason for today's self-inflicted humanitarian crisis was to distract from noticing Steve Bannon giving himself power over the National Security Council
   2. Steve Bannon personally overruled DHS decision not to include green card holders in travel ban, overruling lawyers and other people who understand things like The Constitution and laws and human rights
   3. Headline: Questions multiply over Bannon's role in Trump administration. Oh rly, ya think?
2. In a week, Steve Bannon has amassed a serious amount of power. What's his secret? Bloodless coup...all smotherings
3. Now that Steve Bannon has accumulated so much power under the Trump administration, let's take a look at what he believes...Derp Derp Armageddon, Wharrgarbl, Derp...Oh boy, these are going to be a long 8 years

Shadow Cabinet

1. Sure Trump's normal cabinet looks pretty bad, but wait 'til you get a load of his shadow cabinet

Reince Priebus

Chief of Staff

1. Reince Priebus says Jews were not specifically mentioned in White House Holocaust statement because it was actually about "everyone's suffering". Because all lives matter, am I right?

Jared Kushnet

Son-in-law

1. It's not illegal for Donald Trump to hire his son-in-law as an advisor because reasons

National Security Council

1. 1. The real reason for today's self-inflicted humanitarian crisis was to distract from noticing Steve Bannon giving himself power over the National Security Council
   2. Steve Bannon personally overruled DHS decision not to include green card holders in travel ban, overruling lawyers and other people who understand things like The Constitution and laws and human rights
2. Trump puts the CIA chief back on the NSC after he promises to bring donuts to all the meetings

Erik Prince

Secret Advisor

1. Betsy DeVos has a brother, perhaps you might have heard of him. His name is Erik Prince, the mercenary and founder of Blackwater, who thought Christianity was in the midst of a new crusade against Muslims, and is also secretly advising Donald Trump

Vladimir Lenin

Leninist Tactics Advisor

1. Want to understand what Trump and Bannon are up to? Look to the Russian Revolution of 1917

Supreme Court Nominee(s)

1. Let's look at Trump's Supreme Court nominations, which is a lot like looking right into the Ark of the Covenant
2. Place your bets on Trump's Supreme Court nominee, winners will be paid Tuesday
3. Trump may force through SCOTUS nominee. "We have obstructionists." Irony tag implodes
4. Like some squamous, eldritch horror rising from the depths of the sea once the stars are again right, Trump Supreme Court pick to be unveiled Tuesday
5. The finalists / contestants for the Miss Supreme Court pageant are getting ready to strut their stuff tonight with Trump. Winner of the swimsuit portion usually gets the nod
   1. We're down to the Final Two, and Trump is ready to announce his Supreme Court nominee, as Merrick Garland and the rest of us watch. Tribal Council at the White House to begin at 8 PM EST

Sean Spicer

White House Press Secretary

1. (first official press conference January 21, 2017) "The President has a large penis. While there is no way to measure everyone's penis size, the President has the biggest penis in history"
2. White House press secretary and Alternative Facts spokesperson is a Cosplay fan. Admit it, you want to see him as Pinkie Pie
3. Spicer says, don't worry, we'll have a separate-but-equal Spanish language Blanco Casa website up soon
4. Bullshiat Spice might soon find himself alternate-employed after a week on the job
5. So much for the press growing a pair: Washington Post reporters praise Trump's press secretary for blatantly lying with more composure at yesterday's press conference
6. Lies and the lying liars who are Sean Spicer
7. Spicer tweets out his password. In case you were wondering how the nukes got launched
8. Not news: White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer takes aim at CNN. News: For calling people demonstrating "demonstrators"
   1. Sean Spicer: "The letter from the White House circulating federal agencies about reinstating torture isn't a product of the White House"
   2. Guess which White House employee retweeted and praised an Onion article that ridiculed him? Go ahead, betcha won't get it right on the first try
9. Bullshiat Spice dropping his latest single at 1:30 pm EST (LGT White House livestream)
10. When it's time to defend the absolutely indefensible, Sean Spicer is your guy: Asked at a press conference about a 5-year old boy handcuffed by CPB agents at Dulles Airport: It would be "misguided" to think kids "don't pose a threat"
11. Ah, it's the old "some of my best friends are Jews" excuse
12. Reporter: Will everyone who disgarees with Trump get fired? Sean Spicer: "It comes with the job"
13. Sean Spicer to Media: How dare you call the travel ban a "ban"? It was a "vetting system". Media: bro, did you even read your boss' Tweets? Spicer: well yes he DID say "ban" but only because: "he's using the words that the media is using"

Kellyanne Conway

Counselor to the President

1. You know you've really messed up when Merriam-Webster takes the time to call out your "alternative facts"
2. Kellyanne Conway has her own Secret Service detail because she says thanks to the liberal media, she's started receiving death threats. Or maybe she started receiving fashion advice; either way, we're paying for her protection
3. Networks debate whether or not they should continue interviewing emaciated ghoul and bullshiat fountain Kellyanne Conway
4. Looks like more than one alt-right person was punched this weekend. Difficulty: Kellyanne Conway was the puncher
5. Kellyanne Conway mistakenly calls on businesses to raise their wages to livable numbers, though she'll claim it's an alternative fact designed to get them to lower wages
   1. According to White House whatever-the-hell-she-is Kellyanne Conway, families being separated, legal permanent residents being indefinitely detained, and even citizens being denied entry into the US are a "small price to pay" for greater security
6. Banshee Kellyanne Conway demands media outlets fire anchors and reporters who criticize Trump
7. Now that the Kremlin has their stooge in power, they want to talk to him about reconsidering these tiresome sanctions that are hurting relations between the two countries

Michael Flynn

National Security Adviser

1. Michael Flynn's extensive Russia ties are under investigation
2. Junior
   1. Michael Flynn's son calls Trump's executive order a Muslim ban on Twitter, then deletes his Tweet sometime later, presumably after daddy lectured him

Reed Corish

assistant to the president for intergovernmental and technology initiatives

1. Trump's latest adviser being sued for simply trying to "lighten up" the club scene

John Gore

Attorney General for Civil Rights

1. Trump selects next head of DOJ Civil Rights Division - the guy who *defended* North Carolina's "bathroom bill"

Julia Hahn

special assistant to the president

1. Trump hires Breitbart writer to make alternative facts great again

Alex Jones

"journalist"

1. Alex Jones, who believes the 1st graders killed at Sandy Hook were paid actors and that the Air Force is creating tornadoes in the Midwest, has been given White House press credentials. Now drink your Brawndo

Peter Navarro

Director of the National Trade Council

1. Donald Trump's economic advisor to CNBC: "Citigroup and JPMorgan are garbage, fake news"

Cabinet

Puzder, Labor Nominee

1. The Carl's Jr./Hardees CEO, and Trump's Secretary of Labor nominee, just wants to make life for fast food employees better by eliminating things like minimum wage, breaks and working extra hours without pay
2. Trump's really into jobs which is why his choice for Labor Secretary outsourced a bunch of them. He just wanted to make the Philippines great again

Price, Health and Human Services Nominee

1. Trump's pick to lead the HHS department invested in a drug company, then introduced a bill a week later to help that same company

Pruitt, Environmental Protection Agency Nominee

1. Professional Swamp Drainer Donald Trump now facing a reality where his EPA selection was just implicated in a Super PAC scandal
2. Trump EPA pick would hold off on deciding to recuse himself from lawsuits until after he's had a chance to clear out the in-house ethics agency

Mnuchin, Treasury Nominee

1. Mnuchin: Silly libs, taxes are for little people
2. This may come as a shock, but Trump's nominee for U.S. treasury secretary has been accused of being untruthful with the Senate during the confirmation process #alternativefacts

DeVos, Education Secretary

1. Old and busted: Student plagiarizes answers to questionnaire. New hotness: Secretary of Education plagiarizes answers to questionnaire